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20 July 2014 @ 11:12 pm

I don't really feel the need to be abundantly "successful," (whatever that means), and sow my little creative oats and make neat abstract little poems that make all the other creatives just pleased as punch. I get wanting to do what you love for a living, but what happened being dedicated to a craft purely because you enjoy it, and not because you have this big, beautiful image set up in your head of how you're going to be the next great American writer? Instead of pandering to some niche audience that tells you what you want to hear or generally gives canned critiques, why don't you just do what you love and forget the rest? What the fuck is the point of all the pretense?

I'm so tired of all the writing and speaking and living that isn't getting to any depth. Why have any discussions if they're not real? Everything seems so much like bullshit. Where's the genuine sentiment? The empathy? Any glimmer of a real moment in someone's writing where they are actually giving something of themselves instead of going through the motions? Even if your style or mechanics are stellar, I really could not give two shits as a reader if it is all so disingenuous.

I would much prefer a simpler approach with meaning than a complex one without.

24 September 2012 @ 12:35 am
i seem to come here a lot when i've a lot spinning through my mind. it's been a place of great sadness and greater joy. it's weird to come back and see these things and revisit these feelings in a wistful sort of way. i know i'm not doing things in the right order at all. it's weird to be loving in such a whole way again and it's breathed further life back into this new/old/new life of mine. everything has changed and yet nothing at all...but everything because i feel so much like i've changed and grown. i feel very hopeful. it's a strange sensation. i was reading a story this afternoon about a guy who falls in love with this girl who's lost her dad at a younger age, and he says that with people like that, they become cautious and you can't give them all this love at once because it will overwhelm them, you have to give it in stages...but this has been all at once and deepens in stages all at the same time. these things feel strange and foreign this time around, so foreign to me because they are the same and yet so very, very different. i feel sad sometimes when i think about the past, and sort of nostalgic, and i know i'll never love like that again and it makes me sad that i can't give of myself in that same initial way again but i have become something i am altogether proud of, someone who commands respect and demands it from people. i think that's what i've been missing and i needed to end my subconscious commitment to martyrdom before i could be healthy. 

sometimes i want to make lists of demands. sometimes i want to wear funny hats and make dinosaur noises and be passionate and yell and holler and curse and write and fuck and i can do that now. i can really do that and live it and be happy in it and not be ashamed of who i am ever because it is who i am and i am all i will ever have in this world, deep down. 

you've given me all your love at once and you are such an incredible, powerful force in my life. i wish i could say all these things to you and explain what i'm thinking when you ask, it's this. it's you. it's everything. it's amazing.

edit: the story was Human Snowball by Davy Rothbart
08 September 2012 @ 05:46 pm
I am so happy right now. I feel as though I can actually see my accomplishments and that the things I've worked towards are really coming to fruition; that the people in my life that I care about most are finally the right people to care about; that I am strong and can see the opportunities to be strong even in my most difficult, weakest moments. I feel so lucky and fortunate that I have come this far and am experiencing this now. I am so excited about the future and what I will make of it.
11 July 2012 @ 12:00 pm
i don't really know what to do with any of this

my life is confusing and sad and complicated, as always

i don't know which direction to go in or what i want from anything
05 July 2012 @ 03:45 pm

i feel idiotic

i don't know why my life feels so disastrous and why i let things happen to me and then am sad over the fact that i walk into situations quite willingly and with a remarkable amount of shortsightedness and narcissism, just assuming that bonds in life are formed as instantaneously as they are destroyed

i can't understand my own fragility and whether or not that's my fatal flaw because it seems so absolutely necessary and vital to who i am as a person

i make foolish emotional investments and blame myself when they take a track i should have expected in the first place, but why should you expect people to be careless with you as if it were as natural, expected, and everyday as breathing

i care too much about potentiality and i care far too much about intentionality. i make excuses for people who hurt me and i've taken on the entire weight of the dissolution of this once beautiful thing in my life because deep down i feel as though i failed in my life somehow, that admitting emotional distance or the withholding of love or affection means that i was weak 

i've been hurt deeply and i'm supposed to pretend nothing has happened. i'm supposed to be strong and graceful and not make a mess or, even worse, a scene.

i want closure, absolute

i want a reprieve

i want nice things again

23 June 2012 @ 01:50 am
you’re not a liar and you’re not a monster, you’re a human being with a big heart that i loved once, once, maybe still, a big, big heart that i never want to see go away or turn black and shriveled and mean and you are traveling, always traveling and i could never hold you

I remember being so happy and saying that I couldn't believe this was my life.

I still can't believe it is sometimes.

31 May 2012 @ 09:40 am
loving you was incredible. it makes me so sad that love can't be that way forever. i don't know why i want forever, but i do. and all i can remember is telling you, "i love the good times. they just make me want more good times, that's all" and now i'm here and this is so terrible and i don't know how to do it. i don't know why life and love and people have to be this way. i'm trying to be strong and learn, but i don't know what to learn from this except how much my heart can hurt and how much you can love someone who's gone. what kind of lesson is that?
27 May 2012 @ 11:58 pm

can you see the river in the branches
and know that it means you will die
and that peace is returning?

can you find a wildness in your body
and walk through the store after work
holding it high?

there is neither knowing
a constant sound in your ears
end and beginning

a pile of brush
the fog on the hill
standing in the parking lot, squinting

I remember looking at the night sky outside our cabin as a child and realizing how absolutely alone I was and how absolutely amazing and beautiful and still sad it was and that feeling? That loneliness? That is always here inside of me, but with him I knew someone understood and was connected to that space and feeling -- kindred spirits -- and I've never felt such a mixture of sadness, emptiness, and, well, not quite happiness, but some strange, once or twice-removed equivalent. I have hope in everything, somehow, and more importantly I have faith in myself, despite every awful, strange thing that has happened over the past couple of months. And I don't know how I know I'll be okay or why I know, or how I'm ever going to get over this even though I know that I will. I have such a long road ahead of me and I'm scared -- I want to remove it or lessen it or fast forward through the process because it hurts so, so much to lose the person I loved so deeply for so long but I know that I have to be as strong as I can be when I can, and let myself be weak when I need to be weak. 

When I told him I would always love him, I meant it. That can still be true. But I have to learn how to not be in love with him, certainly. And it will come with time and life and all of that. I went to look at a house today. It's old and kind of smelly and absolutely beautiful, and I want to live there in the summer heat and stay up late in the night writing and reading and making a home there for myself for a good long time. And I want to plant flowers and get a tattoo and start a zine and feel alive. I remember listening to "Sad and Beautiful World" and looking at L and thinking how terribly sad he could be sometimes in a way that he wouldn't or couldn't even admit to. And sometimes I wanted to rewind to "Sparks" or mornings filled with "You had oranges and lemons in a canvas bag inside of you, and seven different kinds of light welling up inside of you" and feeling like I was so full and so happy and we could be that together -- filled with such goddamn love for each other that saying the words didn't even do it justice. And I still have all those things. Despite everything, I still have those amazing memories, and I will always love him for those memories. I will always love myself and him and that time in our lives where we could be so free and happy and I wish it could have lasted forever. Not so much the newness, because that always goes after a while, but that love. And I don't know that I'll ever feel okay that I don't get to have that back, that I will never be able to make new memories with him, but now is the time to make new memories for myself and be happy and okay.

I am so sad and so lost and so confused. Some mornings I wake up and I cry and cry and cry forever from the loss, from the thought that I'll never go out in snowstorms with him or hold him or walk on his feet and be goofy and ridiculous. But there is validity to everything that has happened. There has been such great, fantastic, wordless joy at times that I can't possibly not believe in love or in finding people who you are absolutely meant to be with. I do believe that. And more importantly, I know that I can be happy no matter where I go, no matter what happens...even when things seem too terribly brief. Sometimes I stay up late at night and think about how I wish I could have dreams of floating up in the sky with all the stars, shining bright or catching them all in a tin cup and filling my heart with them until it remembers how to beat and pump blood to the happy places instead of just to the sad places.

I've hated my brain and my heart, and the way I'm so rational and yet so emotional. But I would never sacrifice this emotion. Of course I want to be governed by reason, but this deep emotion? It's how I experience joy in life. It's how I make my happiness. It's how I am able to love people and give them what I can while I can. Why would I want to trade that for anything?  

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Current Music: puzzle with a piece missing - gotye / piano concert - trespassers william
24 May 2012 @ 02:41 am
i wanted you to love me in the end in the same ultimate way i loved you and still want to love you or will always love you. i am sad for what has happened to us. 

i am so sad.