can you see the river in the branches
and know that it means you will die
and that peace is returning?
can you find a wildness in your body
and walk through the store after work
holding it high?
there is neither knowing
a constant sound in your ears
end and beginning
a pile of brush
the fog on the hill
standing in the parking lot, squinting
I remember looking at the night sky outside our cabin as a child and realizing how absolutely alone I was and how absolutely amazing and beautiful and still sad it was and that feeling? That loneliness? That is always here inside of me, but with him I knew someone understood and was connected to that space and feeling -- kindred spirits -- and I've never felt such a mixture of sadness, emptiness, and, well, not quite happiness, but some strange, once or twice-removed equivalent. I have hope in everything, somehow, and more importantly I have faith in myself, despite every awful, strange thing that has happened over the past couple of months. And I don't know how I know I'll be okay or why I know, or how I'm ever going to get over this even though I know that I will. I have such a long road ahead of me and I'm scared -- I want to remove it or lessen it or fast forward through the process because it hurts so, so much to lose the person I loved so deeply for so long but I know that I have to be as strong as I can be when I can, and let myself be weak when I need to be weak.
When I told him I would always love him, I meant it. That can still be true. But I have to learn how to not be in love with him, certainly. And it will come with time and life and all of that. I went to look at a house today. It's old and kind of smelly and absolutely beautiful, and I want to live there in the summer heat and stay up late in the night writing and reading and making a home there for myself for a good long time. And I want to plant flowers and get a tattoo and start a zine and feel alive. I remember listening to "Sad and Beautiful World" and looking at L and thinking how terribly sad he could be sometimes in a way that he wouldn't or couldn't even admit to. And sometimes I wanted to rewind to "Sparks" or mornings filled with "You had oranges and lemons in a canvas bag inside of you, and seven different kinds of light welling up inside of you" and feeling like I was so full and so happy and we could be that together -- filled with such goddamn love for each other that saying the words didn't even do it justice. And I still have all those things. Despite everything, I still have those amazing memories, and I will always love him for those memories. I will always love myself and him and that time in our lives where we could be so free and happy and I wish it could have lasted forever. Not so much the newness, because that always goes after a while, but that love. And I don't know that I'll ever feel okay that I don't get to have that back, that I will never be able to make new memories with him, but now is the time to make new memories for myself and be happy and okay.
I am so sad and so lost and so confused. Some mornings I wake up and I cry and cry and cry forever from the loss, from the thought that I'll never go out in snowstorms with him or hold him or walk on his feet and be goofy and ridiculous. But there is validity to everything that has happened. There has been such great, fantastic, wordless joy at times that I can't possibly not believe in love or in finding people who you are absolutely meant to be with. I do believe that. And more importantly, I know that I can be happy no matter where I go, no matter what happens...even when things seem too terribly brief. Sometimes I stay up late at night and think about how I wish I could have dreams of floating up in the sky with all the stars, shining bright or catching them all in a tin cup and filling my heart with them until it remembers how to beat and pump blood to the happy places instead of just to the sad places.
I've hated my brain and my heart, and the way I'm so rational and yet so emotional. But I would never sacrifice this emotion. Of course I want to be governed by reason, but this deep emotion? It's how I experience joy in life. It's how I make my happiness. It's how I am able to love people and give them what I can while I can. Why would I want to trade that for anything?