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02 May 2012 @ 10:35 am
finding each other again and losing each other again makes me hurt so much.
24 February 2012 @ 04:06 pm

I went walking after two last night; felt like I was the only guy in town.
And I'm not -- I know -- and I don't need you to tell me so.

I come here when I don't really know how to talk about anything, or what to say, or who to say it to. Sometimes I wish I could just do something crazy -- hit the road and keep on driving forever. I just want to disappear at times, but it's not something a doctor can fix. You can't make life easier, or make the bad things go away, or medicate me into savoring the good parts. People are so afraid of feelings and crying and difficulty and the hardships of human experience. I don't relish in them, certainly, but they're always there. They'll never go away. When we're children, we're happy and live freely because we're spared of those things, but we can't be free forever.

I need to write and hole myself up in my room for days and cry and cry and cry and cry forever because there's no sun and it's cold and I'm afraid of everything to come. I'm so proud of myself and so happy with who I am at times that when I'm not nice to myself I feel so torn. Spring needs to come, and then summer, and all the warmth and sun and water. I love my family so much, and my good, good friends, and Logan for being so good and beautiful and solid. I have these moments where things are so absurd they don't seem quite real, and all these people bring me back and hold me in their orbit until I can breathe again. Sometimes everyone seems so beautiful and good inside that I can't stop smiling, and other times everyone seems so hateful and angry and weary.

I want to swim in my clothes and swim in nothing at all and stay out until the street lamps come on enjoying the life I've been given. But I don't remember how to do that anymore.

Tags: ,
Current Music: crane - the mountain goats
29 December 2011 @ 12:57 pm
freedom is a length of rope, and god wants you to hang yourself with it
18 December 2011 @ 04:22 pm
leaving is, without a doubt, the hardest thing to do. lovely weekend -- Logan's brother and fiancee had us over. lots of watching the boys play video games, but it was nice and relaxing. i cried when i left, and he told me he'd see me soon and tried to make me laugh, like always. i always tell myself i'm not going to cry and then i do. it's hard being apart, but it should only be until the fall which is...doable, at least. i hope all that stuff is still in store for us. i get so angry when i'm about to leave because i get so sad and frustrated over everything, but it was a really lovely weekend. he met my dad and stepmom, and we decorated the tree. had a nice dinner. we talked a lot on the way home about what we want from life and the future and everything. it was good. i'm somehow less and more fond of him each day: less in the sense that i certainly don't have that same vision of him as when i first met him -- that he's perfect and can do no wrong; in fact, sometimes i get very angry with him -- but more in the sense that i feel as though we're great friends too and he gets me very much, and that i still have that feeling deep down that i had when i first fell in love with him...that same strange attachment that grows the longer i get to know him. we're not perfect people. the longer we're together, the more i see the flaws in both of us, but...it's good, in a weird way. spending my sunday afternoon with a good, "i miss you" sort of ache.

that being said, i'm excited for Christmas, and i miss my friends greatly. making plans for the evening.
14 December 2011 @ 10:13 am
things are...good. i feel like writing that down anywhere is dangerous, an invitation for disaster, but i feel okay. logan and i are back together. who knows what will happen there, but we're both very happy, i think. it's better than before, in some ways. we're both trying to be happier on our own and more patient and accepting. i feel good and strong and better than i did, even if i'm not perfect and i'm needy and i'm whatever it is that i am.

i've been thinking a lot about relationships, and how we try to shape people to fit our conception of them. i do it with friends, i do it with family, i've done it with him -- i build people up in my head and then make excuses for them when they disappoint me, instead of just accepting that people are people and that people, myself included, are innately disappointing and innately surprisingly and innately beautiful. i'm too much of a romantic, but it works for me.

i want everything to be beautiful and then i'm terrified when everything turns out to be very, very ugly. my expectations of everything and everyone are perhaps too high. sometimes i think i need to get in touch with the simplicity of things again, i don't know. i'm always so somber about things, especially when i put them down here, but i feel good and hopeful about my life.
22 November 2011 @ 10:47 pm
Animals Need Animals - Frontier Ruckus

The teeth of your black ditch are sweet like the rest
Of the thin-lipped, sharp-hipped
Fierce things that animals show -- 
White like the laughter of smoke in the chest
Long after
The brightness of the fields' teeth go.
The child-mother yells in vi'lent madness,
But your tight skin confessed not a vein in your chest
And the way that your breast did hang low.

Animals need animals before the winter comes.
The metal air swarms across those plains.
My long-necked, freckle-specked, heavy-chested, trust-invested sows her 
breath into my chest and hums.
Now what kind of county line
Holds her remains?

Your grey frame in winter is delicately hued.
Your eyes are so wearisome:
The greens have all blued.
And what could it mean
That they once were so green,
And now they're just starving for food?
And I am hungry too
For you.
18 November 2011 @ 11:09 am

Can we discuss how much I love evil!Morgana? Goddamn.
12 October 2011 @ 06:29 pm
i fucking hate this shit.
04 October 2011 @ 06:58 pm
i'm bitter. i want everybody to be alone and unhappy, i want to smash things and break everything good in this world. i want to fade away and i don't want to fade away, and i never want to feel this ever again. i don't know how i'm ever going to be close to anyone again, i don't know how to do this again, i don't want this, i don't want this, i don't want this.
24 September 2011 @ 07:56 pm

oh my gosh, this gets right at the soft, squishy, nostalgic place in my heart.