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you gave your ghost

to be alone with me

5 June
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the river is everywhere

You remember this. No, you dreamed it. Your dream was of choking, and sinking down, and blankness. You woke from your nightmare and it had already happened. Everything was gone. Everything, and everyone – fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, the cousins, the tables and chairs and toys and beds – all swept away. Nothing is left of them. Nothing remains but the erased beach and the silence.

There is wreckage. You didn’t see that, in your dream. A jumble of smashed years, a heap of broken stories. The stories look like wood and chunks of cement and twisted metal. And sad, a lot of sand. Why is it that they say the sands of time? You didn’t know that yesterday but now you do. You know too much to say. What can be said? Language turns to rubble in your throat.

credit: redsoles

"Life is about moments. And any given moment is completely worth that moment. Life isn't all about keeping, not in the way we normally think about it. My problem was being unable to hold onto things and then just dwelling on the loss. I started to realise: that's how it works. You should at least respect the fact that it was there. Cherish that. Then you still have something; it isn't gone or meaningless. It may not be the wholly joyous thing you wanted, but it is something. And it's accumulative. That's what makes your life rich. I'd felt like my life was a succession of experiences that didn't add up - just cards reshuffled in a deck, or cards on a table moved around, flip one up, flip it back over, not finding a match. But that accumulative aspect - that's growing up. You learn something. It wasn't cheap, it wasn't forgotten." - Adam Duritz

They say the sea is cold, but the sea contains the hottest blood of all, and the wildest, the most urgent. And they rock, and they rock, through the sensual ageless ages on the depths of the seven seas, and through the salt they reel with drunk delight and in the tropics tremble they with love and roll with massive, strong desire, like gods.

- D.H. Lawrence

Be with me always—take any form—drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! it is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul! - Wuthering Heights
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